| The Enemy Voice Within |
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Changing The Enemy Voice Within; You Are Not What You’ve Been Led To Believe You Are Typically, you have been led to believe that in some way or ways you are not up to scratch - not worthy: not smart enough, not good looking enough, not acceptable enough, not “normal” enough, not pleasing enough, not lovable or likable enough, not capable enough, not successful enough. In your most private thoughts and moments that painful, familiar “feeling” comes up to haunt you. It is a terrible moment. You quickly push it back down and call on your learned way or ways to carry on as best you can. Despite the stab, many of us do very well at whatever is at hand. But the pain of it comes back again and again, over time getting heavier and harder to repress. For some of us the haunting pain is very heavy even from an early time of our lives. By this time of your life, typically, you believe the enemy voice, this feeling within, is actually true of you. Where did this voice come from? Who or what installed it into the fabulous mechanisms of your brain and nervous system? Were you born with it? Is it a function of genetics? The following discussion will answer these questions. More importantly it will describe what you are inherently and what your natural potential is like. This information comes out of more than thirty years, at this writing, of working with hundreds of people precisely on these questions, and from applying these principles of change to myself: a continuous, consistent and persistent course of “self healing and empowerment.” The word “change” is actually misleading. A more accurate description is a scraping away, a detoxification, of the debris that hurtful experiences, and repression of our natural recovery mechanisms, impose over our inherent qualities and potential for healthy and powerful living. Early in my own road to recovery I realized that we humans, by the time we are beyond our childhoods, are like old ships that have accumulated crusts of barnacles, rust and other debris from traveling long on turbulent seas. But a thorough scraping and cleaning always reveals the bright, shining structure the ship was created as, and still so remains. In other words, we don’t have to change what we inherently are in order to live fruitful, gratifying lives, without that haunting pain we’ve been led to believe is natural. What we have to do is become aware of what we are, inherently, and set upon the business of purging our psyches of the oppressive psycho/emotional/cultural debris and rubbish that we’ve had to absorb from the turbulence of a distressful society: the hurtful abuses, modeling, “teaching,” and general oppressive conditioning that infests every level of society, from intimate family relations to large social systems and structures. An Approximate Model The closest model we have of our inherent qualities and functioning can be found almost everywhere among the youngest members of our human family, our very young children. Perhaps in your very own family, the neighbors next door, the nurseries and day care centers that are nearby, you can find these delightful models of joyful functioning. Very few of us older models will fail to react with joy, delight, often with awe, when we experience being around such creatures and paying attention to them. Take the time and trouble to deliberately watch and interact with these young humans. What you will see will possibly remind you of how you once were. The quick, intense intelligence at learning and figuring out how things work. How patient and committed they are at handling something, and repeating over and over again each step at understanding and manipulating a thing until they master it; and then proceeding to the next level of accomplishing the challenge. The concentration they bring to bear in doing so is such that defies interruption, as any typically frustrated parent will tell you. You will see a natural joy and ready smiles; and the purest joy in the expression of the young explorers as they master each step in the process of learning something. They will beam out to the world, and to your amazed senses, the mother of all smiles as they hold up or point to that which they have accomplished, be it a new word or a round ball that they finally fit into the round hole. Fulfillment and happiness At this point of the discussion I think it is important to note that, that elusive quality we call happiness; that spirit we expend our lives, energy and often our fortunes to find, comes down to this simplicity: happiness more than anything else, love, friendship, wealth, emerges from the fulfillment of our unique gifts and talent, expressed in terms of what each of us dreams of doing and accomplishing from the earliest years of our lives. Perhaps the dream is to make that art, to raise one’s children well, to build and fix things, to grow fruitful and beautiful things, to conquer knowledge and the unknown. Whatever that dream and that fulfillment is, it is the symbol of each one’s unique purpose and importance to the unfolding story of humankind and its place in the great scheme of existence. The most enduring pain, in contrast, is the robbery of such a dream or of its fulfillment. Individual uniqueness Perhaps foremost in the list of our inherent qualities is this individual uniqueness. This natural uniqueness alone gives each of us unconditional importance, because, as is implied above, it is one’s most precious contribution to our human story and to that greater existence. Both Nature and Spirit depends on this uniqueness to perpetuate a strong, healthy and uplifting evolution. A careful study of the cultural progress of the human experience will, despite the many cruelties and oppressions, reveal an upward trend in the evolving awareness and enlightenment of humanity, as irregular as that movement may be. An example of this is how we generally regard our children and females, from being merely breeders and work animals to being equally important members of society (of course there’s much more work to done). Natural cooperation As you continue to observe the young ones you will see other poignant and remarkable qualities. A natural cooperation and working together shows up far more than does isolation and hostile competition. They will dig in the sand together, put things together, or take them apart, together. When any child feels her or his right or boundaries are violated, of course, that child will become upset. Certainly you do, too. Caring and loving Young ones are caring and loving. You will see how they reach out to one another and pay extreme attention to any who may be showing distress and upset. They reach out for hugs and giving loving embraces. Caring and loving is the natural glue that holds us together. It is the force that drives cohesion and survival. Affection and validation Affection is a hallmark of our young ones’ expressivity. Affection is actually a most useful mechanism. It is one of our first means of communication. It is a pre-verbal way of communicating appreciation and approval of one another, of doing a good job of taking care of one another, of well-being, and belongingness, of safety and protection, of treasurability and importance. Showing and sharing affection carries the message of validation. Feeling valid is the essential component that underlies all facets of sound, solid, healthful and successful living and functioning, within ourselves and in relationship to all others. We are born with a natural sense of validity. It is made secure by the caring, aware and supportive treatment by those who are originally involved with and who influence the psycho/social development of every child. Lovable and attractive Every child is naturally lovable and attractive It is uniqueness that makes it so. Because each new one comes into the world with a natural importance, we intuitively see it as lovable and beautiful, intuitively knowing that this child has the potential of “making a difference,” an essential difference to every life and every thing in our world. These qualities have a ripple effect. Drop a pebble in the pond and its energy creates ripples that touch every part of the pond. It is only the sharp and conditioned biases we learn as we grow up in the oppressive society that leads us to distrust one another, and to make value judgements about or against one another. Curiosity, courage and spontaneity You will see in the young ones endless curiosity, courage and spontaneity. Of course, without these essential, inherent qualities one would not investigate, one would not dare to look into and discover what makes phenomena work, how to use it, master it and incorporate it usefully into our lives and development. Infants, toddlers and older children could not and would not learn anything on their own without these qualities. They would forever live a stunted life dependent on the rule, guidance and caprice of others; virtually a drone, and, in essence, a vegetable. It is curiosity, courage and spontaneity that impels us to climb the mountain, to sail the seas, to dig deep into the earth and reach for the stars. Our great brains demand to know the unknown for self-protection, for increasing our resources and expanding our knowledge. Our curiosity, courage and spontaneity are insatiable. This is why it is important that when we try to protect our children from dangers - crossing the street, cold weather, electric sockets and such - we need to do it gently with proper information at a level of language they understand instead of the typical authoritarianism, upset and fear we display. These responses, despite our love and good intentions, only scare and inhibit the fullness of their lives. Without curiosity, courage and spontaneity our specie would hardly exist at all, no discovery, no invention, no art, no evolution at all. We would not need, neither sincerely nor manipulatively, to “motivate” anyone if these inherent qualities were consistently validated and appreciated in a young one as she or he grew. Creativity and expression You will see in the young ones natural creativity and expression. This is integral to all the inherent qualities. The human urge is to share the knowledge and insight we gain through our experiences. We naturally need one another in order to achieve the evolution of our specie. We need one another for safety and cohesion. For making our contribution, and for self validation, we share what we feel, learn and know. Because of the vast power of our human brain, our imagination raises what we have learned and what we envision to flights of invention and artistry. From building blocks we build great edifices and structures. From simple counting we invent and pursue high mathematics. From observing the universe we invent instruments to study the secrets of matter and the laws that govern the behavior of all things. From stories we learn and from the personal experiences we encounter, we invent drama and art. From the natural cycle and rhythm of nature we invent music and dance. There is an even deeper and more general reason we create and express. All earthly things must cycle and recycle what they ingest. Everything is symbiotic. Just as plants recycle carbon dioxide into oxygen and animals recycle oxygen into carbon dioxide; as animals deposit matter on the ground to fertilize plants, and then plants feed animals; just as water recycles from earth into the atmosphere and back: just as rock builds up and breaks down to recycle the very surface of the earth, our human system is built to recycle what we ingest: food, of course, and very particularly, food for thought. Our brain is constructed to expend the energy encased in our experiences and knowledge, what we may call food for thought. If we did not we would simply overload and “burn-out.” We do this by expending our experiential ingestation and feelings both directly and in imaginary ways as well as intellectual ways: creativity and expression. This process, incidently, is the bedrock of the healing system. Mechanism of psycho/emotional healing As you continue to watch the young ones, you will become aware of the surface process of psycho/emotional healing, that is, if the older ones around don’t try to repress the process. Notice when a child becomes upset, and many things can so trigger a child, a play thing braking or taken away, unattended alimentation, hunger, physical pain, another person acting mean, abandonment and other stimuli, the child may spontaneously start to cry, or have a tantrum, possibly scream or tremble, sweat either hot or cold. If the child is verbal she/he will talk in an emotional way. What is happening is the surface process of detoxification, or emotional discharge, of the chemical components of distress: adrenaline, norepinephrine, cortisol, steroids and other hormones that constitute the “fight or flight” syndrome. Any and all traumatic stimuli trigger off this chemical output. Studies, for instance, have found that the tears from emotional crying are laden with the same enzymes that are present in the neural system of depressed persons. In other words the tears are draining off the chemistry of depression. Trembling and cold sweat drain off the chemical reaction to fear. Tantruming and hot sweat detoxifies the effects of frustration and anger. Laughter drains off the light part of embarrassments as well as the other forms of hurt. Verbal uttering and talking is the vehicle that leads to these deeper forms of psycho/emotional release. There is no singular reaction to hurt. The response may consist of a combination of discharge forms. This detoxification is natural and necessary if the child (and any one of us)is to become free of the toxic, deteriorating accumulative effect of this emergency chemistry, should it remain bottled up and repressed in our system. Some Effects Of Repressing Emotional Detoxification Repression of the full course of the detoxifying discharge causes the chemistry to remain frozen, as it were, in the psycho/ emotional/behavioral structures of the brain. Repression becomes associated with the distress feelings, reactive behavior and the memory of the hurtful situation. This association becomes stored as a psycho/behavioral pattern in the brain; waiting, like a land mine, to be triggered again by an event similar to the original trauma. When this occurs the weight of the old hurt is added to the new load of undischarged material. Conscious memory of the original trauma is most often occluded, that is hidden, from awareness, because of the repression, and the pile of chemical pain added on by the countless re-triggering events we encounter as we live our lives. How often do we ask ourselves, ‘how many times do I have to react to the same old, same old like this?” Without adequate detoxifying discharge the traumatic syndrome coverts at some point, probably around puberty, into a chronic, automatic response pattern. The chronic trauma pattern leads to a life time of pain, behavioral dysfunction, weakening of the entire system, greater vulnerability to disease and finally premature frailty, aging and death. Mainstream mental health practitioners often call certain reactive syndromes “post traumatic stress disorders (PTSD).” In fact all unhealed psycho/emotional hurts are PTSDs, wether encountered early or later in life; wether they are results of rigid socialization, obvious abuses, or violent events. In order to function at all, in what we typically call “normal” ways, our internal defense mechanism makes us consciously numb to the severe strength of the psycho/emotional pain (except when a triggering event occurs). Nonetheless the toxic chemistry continues to erode our system. Thus, typically, for several decades we carry on as best we can, albeit in our seemingly limited ways. Over time it becomes more and more difficult to recover even to that “normal” state. In some cases those conditions we call senility and Alzheimer’s disease ensue. (See “Concerning Alzheimer’s,” and other articles in the Healing forum). The Restorative Power Of Committed Listening Confronted by some hurtful event, the very young child cannot typically take flight. He/she is too small to correct the source of the hurt or, if being treated badly, to fight back effectively, although sometimes he/she will hit and kick. If there is an aware person around, that person will go to the child and pay full, committed attention to her/him as the child detoxifies (discharges. ventilates, etc.) the chemical effects of the trauma. What does committed listening look like? It means to bring one’s full attention to the hurt one. First, check for any physical harm, dangerous temperature (one or two degrees from normal generally is not dangerous), hunger, soiled diaper or clothing. If the child is pre-verbal and cannot tell the listener what is wrong, her or his discharge will be the “language,” in the form of crying or screaming, sweating hot or cold sweat, pounding or kicking, trembling, and/or uttering upset sounds, perhaps pointing to the source of the hurt. Committed listening consists of creating an open mind: a) deciding to put aside one’s own interpretation, judgementalism and bias, b) deciding to control one’s own anxiety or other emotional responses (if one can’t, one then is listening to one’s own distress - get someone else to listen), c) letting in the child’s expression, physical language, gestures and form of discharge fully, d) not interrupting nor patting the child, nor distracting the child away from her/his discharge, nor try to comfort the child out of her/his feelings, e) being patient, calm and caring in attitude. This same form of listening is necessary for every person of any age. To do anything outside of these guidelines is to deprive the child (or anyone) of fully processing the detoxification (“healing”) mechanism. Not listening in such a committed way is typical in the society wide pattern of repression, and we must decide and learn to master such listening, be it one on one or to a group, if we are to have a decent, healthy and vibrant society. Without such listening and detoxification the chemistry triggered by the hurt clogs up the creative, rational, and flexible assessment and decision making systems (generally located in the frontal lobes in the brain. Without such healing, of course, we are still able to respond psychologically, emotionally, within the limitations of our behavioral patterns, for a certain number of years, before deterioration sets in. Without such healing the final steps of the healing process: insight, flexibility and formulation of workable solutions, that takes place in those frontal lobes, and which keeps us buoyantly confident, is repressed by the growing pile of “bad” chemistry and the memory/behavioral response pattern that is associated with the hurt. The pile grows with the continuous re-triggering of upsets one encounters in daily life, especially in the oppressive system in which we live. Over time as the pile of undetoxified material grows, the ability of the brain to think rationally grows weaker and weaker. The ultimate symptoms are those of a weakening immune mechanism, premature “aging,” wear and tear on all our systems, failing health and premature death. How much or how long does one listen to the hurt one? An incident I had will illustrate this question. I was shopping in a Toys-R-Us store with a companion and her seven year old. Typically, the child kept asking and begging for this toy and that toy, and, typically, my companion was getting more and more upset. I asked mother if she would let me try something, and she did. I sat down right on the floor in one of the wide aisles and asked the young one, who was beginning to cry, to sit down and tell me what was upsetting her. The young one opened up and told me how “mama” wouldn’t let her have anything she wanted (not totally true, but emotions do exaggerate everything), and how the other children had this or that toy. When the young one paused I just said ‘and?” and she would start up again. The tears came heavier and heavier as the young one got further into the story. Mother of course was very uncomfortable and embarrassed, public as this was, but I whispered assurances to her, and she trusted me. After about twenty minutes the tears subsided and were followed by a great deal of laughter from the child as she narrated how mother did get her a couple of toys and how much fun they were. Finally, she bounced up, and as though the sun broke through dark clouds, announced “c’mon, let’s see everything.” Mother and child hugged. The young one was happy for the rest of the entire trip, never asking nor begging for anything again, merely enjoying all the sights and talking about the fun she and her friends had with their toys. The whole thing took about twenty-five minutes. Mother was in awe. Other people who had witnessed the event were smiling. There’s no predicting how long a “session” should be. It could be short as this one was, or there may be many sessions required. The most reliable sign of a successful session is the return of bright, aware attention in the person who was hurting. You will see all these qualities and natural healing mechanisms at work as you observe our very children. There are probably more qualities and powerful mechanisms inherent in our human nature and system than can be illuminated, so fabulous a phenomenon our intelligent specie is. Say “goodbye” to the Enemy Voice Within As the healing, detoxification process continues, more and more insight do we obtain. We recover more and more confidence, flexibility in our actions and reactions, and a more rational view of ourselves and of the world. We gain a clearer view of what is good and what is wrong in the world, in society, in our relationships. We handle challenges and problems easier and more effectively. Our addictions and rigid needs lighten. In the opening paragraph of this discussion I named several of the invalidations we typically carry in our psyches. These “messages,” tapes, schemas as they are variously called, are but the mental counterpart of the deep and chronic distress patterns that get developed in our system, due to the build up of undetoxified reactions to the rigid conditioning and abuses we encounter in our oppressive societal system. The healing process would definitely occur if you are lucky enough to find the kind of listening described above. Sometimes one can find this in professional counseling, sometime, but less often, among acquaintances, family or friends. It is no-one’s original fault, we all are tailored by the irrational culture we grow up in. (The more healing there is the more rational and human our society becomes). One does not necessarily need to wait to find such decent support (of course others love us and support us as best they can, but sadly, this is limited). One can use this information and becomes one’s own best listener and counselor ("liberator” is a more accurate word: liberation from the grip of the rigid and painful patterns, and enemy voices within, imposed on us by conditioning). The reader will find a greater description of self-healing in the coming article called “ Healing and Surviving in the Oppressive System; changing the status quo one at a time,” in the healing forum of this site. One can understand the function of one’s feelings and discharge them by taking in and using this information. One can decide to trust one’s detoxifying discharge and know that it facilitates healing. (Read this discussion over and over in order to break through the cultural bias against releasing feelings (especially against males), and get clarity about the information). One can question oneself about one’s feelings, thoughts and behaviors, instead of running around the treadmill of confusion and doubt. Self-counseling; Unmasking the hurt Here are some generally effective self questions: “How am I feeling?” “What was the hurtful thing that happened?” “How did I feel this way before?” “What was the past thing that happened?” ‘What was the common theme between these happenings?”: Rejection, loss, fear, humiliation, obstruction, deprivation, insult, blame, false accusation, being misunderstood, un- appreciated, being lied to, being physically, emotionally, sexually abused, being hurt for my personal identity, blaming myself; anything that raises the upset or hurt. “When was the earliest time I remember feeling like this”?<.br> “Who or what did this to me?” “What happened then?” Most important:” What’s the bad message about my worth underneath this bad feeling? What’s the invalidation? “I’m not worthy: not smart enough, not good looking enough, not acceptable enough, not “normal” enough, not pleasing enough, not lovable or likable enough, not capable enough, not smart enough, not as good as others, not successful enough.” Not something enough! Name it! You will discharge, you will begin to detoxify the junk that keeps you in the swamp. You may begin to remember how someone or something made you feel this way. Some people are conditioned to react aggressively, to blame something, someone or a whole group of others; to heap invalidation on others. This is as damaging as is the “victim” response. It’s damaging both to the reactor and the target of his/her blame and aggression, because it blocks rational evaluation and rational solution. The aggression keeps the reactor stuck in his/her painful pattern. It perpetuates conflict. Such aggression is one of the primary forces that leads to scapegoating and social oppression like classism, racism and sexism. It leads to isolation and associating only with like reactive others. It cheats one out of the rich experience of knowing people of difference, of living fully. One needs to decide to push aside the pull to scapegoat, and to process oneself in this self-questioning way. Despite how we’ve been conditioned to repress our feelings, we can decide to stop the self-repression. Let the feelings come, that’s the tip of the detoxification system! Now, form a short thought that refutes that invalidation. The following example is a general and powerful short phrasing used to extinguish the enemy voice within: “I am not (the invalidation: stupid, ugly, unlovable, whatever it may be)! How dare you wipe that on me (someone or something did, if it is not yet clear to you who or what it was, don’t stop the process to try to figure it out - down deep you know the answer, and the more you use this, the closer to the surface that memory will come). I am naturally (smart, beautiful, worth love, whatever it may be). I will not please you by putting myself down, any more. No more, no more! Now let’s put it togther without the clarifications: “I am not (the invalidation). How dare you wipe that on me! I am naturally (the validation) I will not please you by putting myself down any more. No more. No more!” The line by line effect of the refutation: “I am not (the invalidation)!” This interrupts the reinforcement of the invalidation, which, unchecked, continues to drive our internal deterioration. “How dare you wipe that on me!” This response reaches deep down into our inherent power to express our righteous indignation at the injustice. It pushes through our conditioned fear and timidity. It restores our courage to be equal to anyone. “I am naturally (the validation)!” This reclaims our natural worth and confidence. In a sense, it re-sets the neural program within and restores our inherent balance, rational and successful functioning. “I will not please you by putting myself down anymore, no more, no more, no more.!” This interrupts the addictive pull of that part of the pattern that compels “approval seeking” behavior. This behavior keeps us from being our real, confident and healthful selves. It keeps us in fear and subservience. It allows the other or others to fester in their oppressive patterns; the so called “enabler” syndrome. Commitment and persistence Practicing this self empowerment and healing requires committed repetition: during the day, before sleep, awaking. The “enemy voice” within, and the patterned psycho/physiological/behavioral damage associated with it, gets laid into our neural system by the cultural/psychological conditioning we are exposed to from the earliest days of lives. It becomes associated with our very development and survival. As such, the enemy voice, which may be viewed as the spokesperson for the entire syndrome of hurt, which I call the chronic pattern, is addictive and, certainly by the teen years and early adulthood, self-perpetuating. Therefore practicing your powerful refutation a few time a day or when you happen to think of it, or only when you feel upset is wholly inadequate to effect healing and recovery. You must use this power persistently to offset and eventually overcome the pull of the pattern. Because of typical conditioning against healing and self- assertion, using the phrases may make you feel silly, or that you are weak and need help, or any other of the many biased responses to natural detoxification, healing and self empowerment. These repressions will soon fade in the face of your persistence. With use, you will glow healthfully, functionally, creatively, socially. You will move closer and closer to that foundation of real happiness: the fulfillment of the gift of uniqueness that is forever yours.
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Discuss (2 posts)
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Re:The Enemy Voice Within
Mar 13 2010 23:21:18 Add to the list of what grounds us: not only empathic listening (which means blotting out your thoughts while you are listening so the other's come through to your awareness, non-judging, patience, not interpreting, hearing the implications "between the lines" -often what one attributes to others is really what is true for him or her)to go on to the addition of the list; letting out one's emotions and pain be it loss, sadness, anger, fear, humiliation, boredom from the past as well as the present.
Thank you for your aware and thoughtful insights, a genuine pleasure, Jack Donner |
#66 |
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Re:The Enemy Voice Within
Mar 13 2010 18:17:51 Upon this universal/global level, it is energy that animates our physical bodies and makes us "Self" aware. Unless this energy is grounded within our physical body, within the reality of right "Now", as humans we can not function properly. In order for us to maintain our life and make it workable, we must continue to ground our self, within our physical body. What grounds us within our body?
Breathing (deep and rhythmic) Intake of Sufficient Water Eating Sleeping Sexual Outlet Grooming Being in a Natural Setting Gardening Listening to Music and Dancing Reading Sharing With Someone Creative Outlet Meditation Sunbathing Exercising Learning by Doing Appreciating and Enjoying Walking Empatic Listening Creative Exchange Helping Another Watching the Sun, Rise or Set These are ways to recharge our "Integrated Self", which is our only "Fully Functioning Expression", within existence. That "Self" way down under all of that - should of, could of, why didn't you, don't you - everyone else's opinion of who we are, or should "Be". What we need and what we should be doing with, "Our Own Life"! What is, "Our Optimum, Grounded and Integrated - Self Expression"? A healthy body, balanced in varied activity and diet, well hydrated and oxygenated. A health perspective, always developing by continual learning, with common sense practice of "What Works" for us. Which is only possible, with our "Intellect and Emotions - Integrated". Which takes reprocessing our "Self Image", so that we can have a healthy "Self Esteem", which is what will allow us to feel that "We Are Deserving". And all within the "Now Time Frame of Reality", which is when, "Our Life is Unfolding". Be persistent in your processing and grounding, of one's self. Continue to stop your self, each time you realize that you are acting out, "What Doesn't Work". And with your actions, allow your self to do "What Does Work", for you. Until what "Doesn't Work" is no longer acted out in "Life". Stay Grounded!!! |
#65 |
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